In Solitude, Where I Am Least Alone.
Breeze - かぜ__________________________________________________________________________________
Through the run-down halls and the grim corridors, I wandered. Aimlessly and without any sense or knowledge of direction. It seemed all too familiar, though I have no memory of such. In saying that, my memories are murky, they'd never were very clear. Heavy as my head is, I cannot remember much without effort. The only thing that ran clear, or at least clear enough for me to comprehend, was that I felt I'd been placed here, for a reason, or more so a purpose. Nevertheless, it was as if this world had been long dead and deserted, much like the people now who inhabit it. They leant up against the walls, hiding behind their masks; lumbering upon tattered sofas lifeless, hopeless. Everyone was still, as if time froze them in the slow burning embers of life's everglowing fire.
So there I stood, surrounded by lonely souls and faintly eerie noises. From a far, a bleak muffled bass resonates, spooking at the other end the deceitful hall before me; calling, greeting me to a place that I've been welcomed to, too many times before. It seems as if the mere steps I've taken down this hall; this path, have been a many of lifetimes, but yet no more than a second. They say time is cold, but it's more so bitter. The candy may be dandy, but the liquor sure is quicker. Stirring in an endless loop of comfort, stabbing with it's boredom and surprises. Now still walking down this warped hall, with it walls painted in disarranged blotches of tainted rust; much like the common melancholy that washes over the people, so desolate around me. Slow minutes passed through my head, as continued to make my way through this place of woe. But it was then, the air began to lighten, as if it had been pulled out of a murky swamp, to be revitalized by the cool breeze before it. The draft blew its beauty from the window to my left. Drawn to it's fragrance I peered my head out of the broken window. And there she stood, awkward as always, as she took her coat off and stood in the rain, alone. She has always been different like that. As I still watch from my window, except I felt I was the one outside, looking in on her. She has always been a mysterious one, with her cool glistening eyes and careless hair cut short; burnt with a deep auburn hue, from the tip to its very root. She was emotionally sensitive, but too worried to care.
Was then, as we both stood still; I shouted out. Asking her to come back in out from the rain. Dragging her mind out from the growing storm, Vivian acutely turned her head toward the cry of my voice. Deeply gazing into her azure eyes, I felt as though a distant arrow of mutual pain pierced through, from her to I. The rain continued to pour and wash over her dim light. Fading, yet faithful, her candle burns so cold as she's left wondering if she'll ever return to that world, the one that suddenly belonged to strangers. Though sadly, the warmth Vivian desires never existed in that world. Only in her dreams, a world beyond this one; it churns, waiting for her arrival. Yet the path towards it, is drowned by their hatred, their dirt. Though her hearth continues to kindle the last hope she has. Behind the shadow, cast in dusk, they she lingered in tears of my fading storm. As my last raindrop fell. It seems falling for her, made my momentary life worth living.
Opening my eyes from dream that seemed so crystal clear, I almost couldn't tell it from reality. I felt a faint voice like the wind, calling me from high above the sky. Though now awake, I could tell this is the room of which I lived in. My sanctuary. More so a dimly lit place, within a world full of strangers. My chest felt tight, I shouldn't have gone to sleep with my bra still on. Like I my breasts really need it... They feel small and insignificant, as do I; in society's hopeless masquerade.
In saying that, I hate this world in a way. It's filled with too many memories of which I'd most rather forget. I go to school everyday, and hang-out with my friends I wish I had. There is no place I'd rather not go ever again. I wonder if anything will ever change. Will that day ever come. A day where I could fly in a teapot across the cosmos. Steeping in the little knowledge of which I possess. Soaring in search of that place in my dreams, that place where shooting stars are born. An eternity so tender and vivid. A place where I can dance, and be considered insane by those who can't hear the music. One of the main reasons I talk to myself is because I’m one of the few, whose answers I truly accept. Though at times, I don't think that I can even trust myself anymore. Suppose I could fly and go anywhere. I honestly don't believe I would know where to really go, and what to do if I even got there. Trapped without truth, in my dying intuition, crumbling.
Be it like any other day, I get up and get ready for school. I eat, shower, and get dressed. My parents had died in a car accident three years ago, on there way to Tokyo for a business trip, and every since then I've lived by myself with some money my parents left behind for me. People say Its hard, but I'd say it isn't nearly as hard when you shroud yourself behind a mask to hide the tears beneath the surface. The hill we once walked down was covered with many spots of sunlight peaking through the blossom trees above. But now I stand here all alone, as the spots are now faded, as I walk to school again and again. Along the hillside path, where the cherry blossoms once fluttered.
Up the hill and over the bridge, I begin my hour long trek to school. Embracing the morning's serenity and the soft glow of its sunrise. I walk in the autumn's brisk air. Being mid October, the mornings were really cold. I sometimes wish that we could wear something warmer than our skirts all year round. Especially with all the wind that comes with living by the ocean. Though hidden behind my mask it's the very least of my problems, because truly, beneath my mask I can't really feel the air anymore, be it cold or not. Though I can't feel its true warmth, the sun does look beautiful emerging its grace out from the ocean's horizon. And much like every morning, with sunlight on my back, and the morning's mildew on my shoes as I finally arrive at school. Truly one of the last places I ever want to be.
Out of forced habit, I get to class early, completely invisible to my peers. As of now, Its been about three years since my parents died, and almost three years since I began highschool. Graduation is only a few months away, and no one will be there to see me. Invisible me. The rest of my distant family didn't like my parents, for reason I know not. So much so, that only a few showed to their funeral, and even fewer wanted anything to do with me. Only my grandmother on my mothers side, really cared for me. Though unfortunately she too passed away this late summer due to her age. So I now live on my own, alone, concealed, frozen.
Like everyday in class, I feel naked in their dirt; their hate, their ignorance. Nothing I ever say seems to save my fallout from my classmates. I'm lost, gone. As my heart gently weeps. Sparks flew, and my emotions ran high. But everyday in this algid place, it always rains with my frozen head on the floor. Hollow was never meant to be peaceful. Yet I'm still smiling, beneath my mask crying. Huddled in my corner, my dreams, my sanctuary. Naked in their dirt.
Everyone fearfully avoids me, as if I had done something terrible to them. Though I have done nothing of the sort... Like being being painfully bound to box, barely able to move, and connect with anyone. Though over the last couple years, I have grow more accustomed to it. Comfortably numb, as some would say, but that's not entirely accurate. It's more like living without reason, day through day. I'm still left wondering why I even try, as I bite my lip, holding it in. Ending with no particular objective and nothing to feel passionate about, nightfall creeps up on me again. I wish I could say it was comfortable, but its not. Waiting as always, for something or someone to come. To show itself and take me from this place, this place I'd much rather forgot ever existed.
As every morning; the blinding white light of the morning sun peaking over the horizon, pulls me from my solemn dream. It's quite a shame, I guess. The fact that it was only a dream, or at least I hope so. You could say, that there's a part of me that wants to believe that it was real, but then again; I can't kid myself. If it were real, then what would I have to make of all this. My room, my bed, the school I go to, my friends. Could this all just be a dream, and my sense of reality had been skewed this whole time? Maybe they're both real; what would a dream be then? Though I assure you that it puzzles me no more than it does you, but I digress.
My feelings of love are just a temporary lapse in judgment, like a mental illness that I can't explain very well. I'm a healthy guy; my body has its urges. As like everyone, I too get into the mood for stuff like that now and then. I won't let a momentary slip up leave me with a burden, because truly, I don't know if Vivian ever existed, in my dreams or reality. Its quite there, inside my dreams; like clouds moving, in absence of a storm. Then a silhouette of her is always there alone. Trapped outside, trying to get in. Though I am inside, it isn't really a place I want to be. Everyone here seems to skew their vision behind fake plastic masks, wandering beneath judgment and fear of the true face of society.
Though as I know it, reality is hard road indeed. As much as I would love to believe that she is actually out there, waiting for me. The laws of physics really put a damper on things. So you could say, this is all just my wishful thinking. Kind of token of motivation to keep me rolling along road of reality.
With my parents out of town, and the autumn's sunrise over the mountains; I step out the door and head to school. I normally take the train, but I got time to kill, also it would be nice to get a good look and really take in the beautiful essence of this seaside town; as I always miss it on the train. From the shore to the mountains, the valley of emerald hills cascade upward, as if they were layers of decadent cake, burnt in the colours of the autumn's radiance. I'd almost forgot how majestic the mornings were here. Well, away I went. Over the hillside path and across the cobblestone bridge. It was cold, too cold, well it was just much too cold for me. The skies may have been clear and the sun was shining, but it was still October. And being that month plus the wind factor, this morning sure was chilly. I do feel a bit of remorse for all of the girls who still have to wear skirts at this temperature. Though I can't complain, girls in school skirts. The sight is still wonderful, at any temperature.
Continuing my serene journey to school, the sun also continued itself up towards the sky. Ever so slowly though, but just enough too notice is movement. Was then, alongside the path; I saw a black silhouette in my field of vision. A silhouette of girl, standing over the bluff gazing at the rising sun, lost in thought. I didn't know what to say, or if should even say anything. She stood there so still, with here back turned to me. It was like she was embracing the nature around her. Letting the wind crashes against her short dark hair, as it feathers in twirl; tangled in harmony. Waves of tranquility ripple down her satin red skirt, as if they were liquid silk. All in cool breeze, desolate she stood; shaping my aura in flowing contentment. Then she turned. With a bleak look of beauty on her face, she looked lost. Seeing straight through me. She chuckle a smirk to herself, completely dis-attached. As I ponder my mind for something to say, but the words I need are in her eyes. Those content familiar azure eyes. Could this be? No. This couldn't be the girl from my dream. Vivian. The sun glows as her lissome body glistens. Silence calls. As she walked away in her own delirium. I though as though we had exchanged words before. There in my dreams, unheard by none; but to me they meant many. Now the girl walks on, as I'm still left wondering if she was the one. That one within my dreams.